Anything Is
by Aduial Evenstar
Summary: Harry writes to Sirius after the events of the fifth book. Rated for language.


A/N-Welcome to my latest attempt in angsty Harry Potter fiction. This story kind of ties into my other Harry Potter story, except it's now in Harry POV as he thinks about Sirius's death. Dammit all! Why did JK Rowling have to make him die?? It's been, what, six months? And I'm _still_ pissed off at her!

Anyway, it did inspire me to write a long, sob story. It's set to the Enya song, "Anywhere Is". Great song, listen to it sometime.

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Enya or Harry Potter. If I did own Harry Potter, you'd be certain that the ending would be drastically changed!

Now, on with the show!

Anywhere Is 

Dear Sirius,

It's been awhile since it happened.

It.

I shouldn't call it that. I know I shouldn't. It's so hard not to. Because when I say what it really is, it'll be true.

I want things to be normal again. But I don't want them to be. I know that doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense to me either. I want it to be like it used to. Where I just had to wait a few days until I got a letter from you.

I don't know if you ever knew it, Sirius, but those letters kept me alive. You were the next best thing I had to a father. Hell, you practically _were_ my father. You were the one I looked to for advice from anything from Voldemort to fights with Ron. You were the only one who took the blindfold off my eyes and let me see what was _really_ out there.

Thank you.

*I walk the maze of moments  
But everywhere I turn to  
Begins a new beginning  
But never finds a finish  
I walk to the horizon  
And there I find another  
It all seems so surprising  
And then I find that I know*

I hardly even _knew_ you. That's the really hard part out of all of this. You were just kind of an idea. Something that was there, but only in theory. You weren't my father, even though you tried. I tried too. I tried to pretend that you were. Was I holding on to something that wasn't even there?

The worse thing is that it _could_ have been.

If it weren't for Crouch, for Fudge, for any of that damn ministry…

*You go there you're gone forever  
I go there I'll lose my way  
If we stay here we're not together  
Anywhere is*

I used to be angry. Still am, in fact. I was angry at Lestrange for cursing you, at Voldemort for being so power-hungry and drawing these weak people into his web, at Dumbledore for not telling me _anything_, at me for being so _stupid_. Why did I even believe that you were actually there? How could I have been so _stupid?_

I was even mad at you for a while. It was such a stupid reason. I was so angry with you for coming to my rescue. I was mad at you for caring.

It's my fault, I know it. I don't care what Ron, what Hermione, what Remus, what anyone tells me. I know they're lying, just telling me the words they think I want to hear. It doesn't matter. I know that it's my fault.

And I'm sorry Sirius. I'm so sorry.

*The moon upon the ocean  
Is swept around in motion  
But without ever knowing  
The reason for its flowing  
In motion on the ocean  
The moon still keeps on moving  
The waves still keep on waving  
And I still keep on going*

If it weren't for me, my mum and dad would still be alive. You never would have been in Azkaban and Remus wouldn't have so many damn shadows across his face. If it hadn't been for me, innocent people would still be alive. Like you.

It's hard, having all this on my shoulders. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. Not even you. But somehow, I think you knew it. I never got to thank you for that. You were always there for me to pass on some of the burden to. Not that I ever did, but still. It was nice to know I had that option. I'll miss that.

*You go there you're gone forever  
I go there I'll lose my way  
If we stay here we're not together  
Anywhere is*

Hermoine, Ron, and the others write me all the time. The letters keep coming, even if none are going back. Hermione says I'm closing myself off. Ron wants me to come to the Burrow. Remus wants to know how I am.

I don't know what to tell them anymore. I can't even make up good lies. I don't think, "Oh, I'm jolly good and having a whale of a time here being consumed by my grief and guilt, hope you're having a grand time, see you soon" will really cut it.

*I wonder if the stars sign  
The life that is to be mine  
And would they let their light shine  
Enough for me to follow  
I look up to the heavens  
But night has clouded over  
No spark of constellation  
No Vela no Orion*

Every night, I look out my window up at the stars. And every night, I watch Sirius, the Dog Star, twinkle back at me. It's all I've really got left to remember you by. The letters you sent me will eventually yellow. The few memories I have will eventually fade. But that star will stay as long as I do. It's my last link. It's what keeps you alive for me.

*The shells upon the warm sands  
Have taken from their own lands  
The echo of their story  
But all I hear are low sounds  
As pillow words are weaving  
And willow waves are leaving  
But should I be believing  
That I am only dreaming*

Sometimes, I just want to be left alone. It's my life to live, my death to die. I already know that I'm going to die someday. I've accepted it. I just don't want anyone else getting hurt, or worse, just to keep me alive one more day. What would it be worth? People will still keep dying everyday, whether I'm here or gone. What matters to me is if it's my fault or not.

*You go there you're gone forever  
I go there I'll lose my way  
If we stay here we're not together  
Anywhere is*

I didn't think it would hurt this much. The first few days, I thought I would just curl up and die from sorrow. But then I realized that there's a funny thing called time. It keeps you going, keeps your heart beating, and your lungs breathing, even if your spirit has already given out.

I miss you so much. It's hard to get up in the mornings, knowing that I won't ever have another letter to open and read. Knowing that I'll never see you again on this world. Knowing that I'll eventually have to face your killer.

Right now, I don't care about anything else. I want Lestrange dead. I don't care if I end up the same in the process. It doesn't matter anymore. If I die, I'll just end up with you. Sometimes I feel that I should just give myself up to Voldemort. All the suffering would end for me then.

But then I think about what you wanted for me. You wanted a normal teenage life for me. If I give myself up, yeah, the suffering for me will end. But what about the suffering I'll cause other people? I don't think I could ever be that selfish. I owe it to you to keep living.

* To leave the thread of all time  
And let it make a dark line  
In hopes that I can still find  
The way back to the moment*

I love you Sirius, and I promise you, you won't die in vain. I'll make you proud, watching over me in heaven.

I'll see you again someday, I know it.

Your Godson,

Harry

* I took the turn and turned to  
Begin a new beginning  
Still looking for the answer  
I cannot find the finish  
It's either this or that way  
It's one way or the other  
It should be one direction  
It could be on reflection  
The turn I have just taken  
The turn that I was making  
I might be just beginning  
I might be near the end.*

A/N-WHY JK, WHY?? Sob. It's soo sad! I really, really hope that she was just trying to give everyone heart attacks and that Sirius really isn't dead. I really, really hope so!

Anyway, feedback is definitely appreciated. Except maybe the bad feedback. Don't really need so much of that. And if you've got the time, I'd love for you to pop over and give my other story a try! That was a shameless plug, but no worries.

That's it for me, but I'll see you all soon!

Love to all,

Star Light


End file.
